Carter

When I was pregnant for the first time I had this feeling inside of me...I was excited and I wanted to have a natural childbirth, even though I knew nothing about what that meant other than not using drugs. While expressing these feelings to all the important women in my life; mom, grandma, aunts, even a sister who hadn't experienced birth, my NATURAL excitement started to go away. The most popular comment I received was “why, who are you being a hero for?” Then came the “horror” stories. Between all the negativity I was hearing and having a very difficult pregnancy, my mind set became unhappy and scared. To make a long story short, I did take the drug route. The only word I can use to describe the experience is fear. I felt it and I could see it in my husband's eyes. From the “ pregnancy announcement” to two months post-partum I felt physical trauma, was depressed, fearful, uninformed, and wrongly informed.

For my second birth my husband and I were determined not to have those feelings. Our first step was to find a midwife. Of course! Why not find someone who shares our feelings, sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious the first time. We chose Stephanie for two reasons; first for the personal connection and second because she wasn't biased. My husband and I grew up around all medical people not holistic ones, Stephanie understood a need for natural and maybe a need for medical. That was like a mental “comfort blanket” for us. Delivering in a hospital versus home or birth center felt like a safety net at the place we were with our knowledge on birthing with a midwife. In our visits Stephanie provided us with the tools to become informed- how powerful. I became a sponge for all the birth information I could find. She was there to answer questions and give opinions. We developed a relationship that we didn't have with doctors I saw during my first pregnancy. I labored at home for about six hours and had my son, Carter, within four hours of arriving at the hospital. My experience this time involved no drugs, it was very natural! The connection that my husband and I shared was unexplainable. I had never heard anyone talk about that strength during the birth experience before. It's sad to me because it played a very important role to both my husband and me. Stephanie was there to support us and of course to deliver the baby. Stephanie's positive reinforcement was very important when my husband was getting weary with the experience. It is overwhelming for them too believe it or not. I delivered with my husband behind me in bed and with Stephanie's help, pulled my new baby onto my belly. We let his cord finish pulsating and then I nursed him. It was the most amazing, NATURAL experience I've had to this day. It was amazing to see the joy in my husband as he shared in our experience.

Sharing this story sounds so silly in my head because this is how birth should be, yet it was not portrayed that way to me and isn't really in society either. And I use the word natural so heavily for that reason. No one should feel that it's wrong to want to do the natural thing or to have that feeling inside of you. I think that something is seriously wrong with our world if the first thing that a woman thinks when she is pregnant is “when can I schedule a c-section?” I know that statement may seem bold but I wonder how far off it really is. I can't even count the times I hear pregnant women tell me they want to be or are being induced or using an epidural or having a c-section before they even consider giving their body a chance. I think every woman should know the inspiring and empowering experience of birth. To me it is very important to find out who you are during your pregnancy. Every person and experience is different. You need to find out what your needs and expectations are to make your experience optimal. Stephanie served as a source of knowledge and support. I feel like I've gained a big sister through our experience. My expectations were far exceeded and I am reminded of that every time I look at my son. I look forward to sharing...a few more experiences with Stephanie. But most importantly I will share my story with every woman I come in contact with because I am INSPIRED and EMPOWERED by birth!

Holden and his family live in Bay City

Why I Chose A Midwife

Your body was created with the ability to give birth,

and I want to help you discover that within you.

Every woman needs to be reminded, encouraged and educated on the strength and beauty existing within her. Before I heard these words, I was four months pregnant with our first child and found myself looking for an alternative approach from traditional prenatal care. I desired well rounded, natural, attentive and personal care. I desired to work with someone who would take the time for me and offer patience as they guided me through this experience. My pregnancy was the most important thing in my life. I needed coaching to get in touch with my core abilities deep within me. I wanted to be empowered, educated and supported by a female prenatal provider who would respect me and stand by our side on our journey through pregnancy.

My search for this person, lead me to Stephanie Johnson, a Certified Nurse Midwife. I took the opportunity to meet with Stephanie to learn more about her philosophy and to share with her the type of care I desired. During that visit, I learned of Stephanie's extensive medical experience working with women through labor and delivery. I learned that my insurance company would cover my prenatal, labor and delivery care through Stephanie in the same way traditional prenatal care would be covered. More importantly, I embraced her philosophy and encouragement. Stephanie's words educated me and empowered me more than anything else during the first four months of my pregnancy. The peace and affirmation that filled me as I left that visit solidified my decision that choosing a midwife would be the best decision for us.

I would describe my prenatal care under Stephanie as personal, transformative, focused, deep, soul-touching, empowering, endurance-building, natural, instinctual, nurturing, unfolding, the discovery of my core abilities within my heart, mind, body, and partnership.

The biggest gift Stephanie gave to me was that I entered the hospital to deliver our baby without fear. Through our monthly visits, the reading material she offered, her words, her encouragement and her medical knowledge, I had great confidence and felt prepared. I trusted my body, mind and soul. I trusted my husband. I trusted my baby. I trusted nature and I deeply trusted Stephanie. My labor was the most intense experience of my life and Stephanie's initial words to me rang true…my body was created to do this! Not only did I give birth to a beautiful son, I also birthed myself into motherhood. Of all the decisions I needed to make during my pregnancy, choosing a midwife was the biggest and best decision. Now, I face potential future pregnancies confident of my abilities because of my incredible prenatal care from my midwife, Stephanie Johnson.

Eli and his family live in Hudson :

Let me begin by saying that if you are pregnant and have the option of working with a midwife, you really should consider it.  My midwife, Stephanie Johnson, had an enormously positive impact on my entire pregnancy, labor and childbirth experience. 

Pregnant with my fourth child, I wanted this experience to be different than my previous three.  I desperately wanted an all-natural childbirth.  I had yet to experience a delivery that wasn't totally chaotic. My three prior births had to be induced with pitocin. I would then lose total control of myself after 10-15 hours of hard labor and receive pain medication.  This was a vicious cycle that I needed to break.   I wanted to be in control - to do it all on my own.  I knew my body was capable of actually dilating and laboring without the pitocin; I had just never really been patient enough.  I needed to find a provider who would share my vision, and help me achieve my goal. I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with Stephanie.  She not only understood my objective; she gave me the chance to obtain it.

I am proud to say that with Stephanie's help, I achieved the natural childbirth I desired.  My labor began around 2:30 a.m., May 16th.  Stephanie met my husband and I at the hospital around 4:00 a.m.  My labor was off to a slow start, but this was definitely it!  I was so excited that my body was laboring on its own.  This was a first for me!  Stephanie suggested breaking my water to really jump start my labor.  Once we did so, I was encouraged to take laps around the entire hospital and walk up a flight of stairs, two steps at a time, to help get things going.  So there I was at 5:30 a.m., literally laboring up the stairs in the main entrance of the Hudson Hospital , two at a time!  Things were progressing nicely, and I was immensely surprised at how much easier this natural labor was than the pitocin-induced labors I was used to. 

Around 9:00 am, my labor began to intensify.  Anytime I would start to "lose it," Stephanie would reel me back in, helping me maintain control.  She knew just what to say and do to comfort me.  She let nature take its course, and it worked out beautifully. Our fourth son, Eli Michael, was born at 10:30 a.m. 

This experience was a night and day difference from my previous three labors and deliveries.  It was calm, quick and very manageable.  I stayed in control, and I have never felt so empowered in my entire life.  Stephanie never left my side, and that made all of the difference in the world! 

I am grateful to be able to look back on my entire pregnancy, labor and delivery as a positive experience.  I wouldn't change a thing!  Labor and delivery does not need to be a scary time for the mother-to-be: it can and should be one of the most empowering times of your life!  You just need the right guidance, and a belief in yourself!

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Miriam's Family lives in Hudson.

“I have had three children, and am extremely grateful for the care I received from Stephanie.  My first pregnancy and birth were difficult.  The midwife I ended up with at birth made several poor decisions, which resulted in a very difficult and long healing process.  I lacked a lot of information I needed, education which would have helped me throughout the entire pregnancy, delivery, and recovery. 

In my second pregnancy, we lived abroad in England , where all women see a midwife (unless they are high risk).  This pregnancy went *much* better both because the lifestyle there was healthier, and because of the excellent education they did.  The birth was OK, but I happened to get a midwife at birth who didn't want to be working (you don't get a choice there! it's whoever is working that day!) and pulled my only support, my husband, away from me.  I ended up with a typical 'first birth experience'. 

My third pregnancy began with care by a family practice doctor (no midwives where we were living), and although he was probably one of the best, I missed the personalized, time intensive care a midwife gives.  We moved to Hudson about halfway through the pregnancy, and I was excited to see there was a midwife available.  After my initial meeting with her, I was amazed.  I had been sad that physicians often reject the 'alternative' side of health care, and midwives often reject the 'medical' side of health care.  My thought is "why can't we take advantage of the best of both worlds?" 

In Stephanie I found this wonderfully flexible, knowledgeable balance; her office was homey and clean, she understood and utilized both typical medical tests/treatment and alternative education and therapy.  And all wrapped up in the most incredible midwifery package I have ever experienced- *hour long* visits in which I amazingly never had to wait to get in, and never felt rushed to get out.  I could ask any question, speak any uncertainty.  She was always positive; encouraging, supporting, educating, and respecting me.  She was laid back and flexible, and even enjoyed having my children be present (and let them participate!). 

Thanks both to the education I received in England and the support and education I received from Stephanie, my entire experience this time was different and great!  (And that includes labor, delivery, and recovery!).  My degree happens to be in nursing, and the field I chose to work in was OB.   Although I haven't worked since my oldest was a year and a half, I have been at many different hospitals and seen a lot of different care ranging from great to not so good.  And I honestly believe Stephanie is one of the most skilled maternal caregivers I have ever run into. 

Stephanie brought healing to my birthing experiences.  And I can't speak highly enough of her.  ...  The only danger from writing this is I will get your expectations too high!!! :) 

I came in wounded; with low expectations and high hopes.  I left sad to leave her care, but extremely grateful for the healing and blessing she was a part of in my life."

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Sophia's mother is from Russia, her family currently resides in River Falls :

“From the moment of the joyful news, that we would have a baby, my husband and I decided that I would be under a midwife's observation. Thanks to Stephanie Johnson, to her good advices, the time of expectation of the baby was very joyful and calm for us. We discussed everything about my pregnancy and asked any questions. Each visit to Stephanie was always interesting for me. It's very important during pregnancy to follow all directions and recommendations of the midwife, what my husband and I did. The day of our baby's birth was very exciting for us. Thanks to Stephanie's professional and human support, I felt very protected and calm during the labor. Everything went normal and we had a healthy baby. I also felt good and happy. My husband and I thank Stephanie and the nurses and wish them a strong health.”

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Gavin's family lives in Hammond :

“As first time parents my husband and I greatly appreciated Stephanie's expertise in pregnancy and birthing. She provided a calm and open environment and we were really able to build a trust with her. All of her time put into our pregnancy and the relationship built was irreplaceable when it came down to the actual birth. She was there the whole time lending her knowledge and support.

In the beginning it was very important for me to deliver my baby naturally but by the end a c-section did not seem so bad. I am most grateful for Stephanie during this time when she was encouraging and persistent and I was giving up. I credit her for trying every last option and helping me to successfully deliver my baby naturally. Thank you Stephanie!”

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Peyton's family lives in River Falls:

Sunday, October 22, I had to leave the house so I wouldn't drive myself crazy waiting for labor. I got some clary sage essential oils and blue cohosh to help induce labor. Then I went and walked around the mall and got home around 6 in the afternoon. I was feeling contractions all day but there were so light that I had to check my belly to make sure they were contractions. We went to sleep relatively late at around 11:30. I was having light contractions all evening and fully expected that they would peter out when I went to sleep as they always had before.

At around 1 am contractions woke me up. Before long I realized that lying in bed during contractions was not working for me at all. I ended up running to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet every time I had a contraction. It was the most comfortable way for me to deal with them I was also having to go to the bathroom every contraction as well. After a while I started timing the contractions and they were around 8-10 minutes apart. I just spent the entire night walking around upstairs and sitting on the toilet. Around 6 am I told Patrick that I was in labor. I kept walking around, sitting on the toilet and sitting on the exercise ball. I told Patrick that he should go to work and I would call him in a few hours when things started to pick up.

I held off calling Stephanie, my midwife, until about quarter to eight. She asked if I was going to have the baby today and I told her that I thought so. My contractions were about 6-8 minutes apart. I also called mom and told her that I was in labor, she offered to come over and hang out while I labored.

I took a bath and at around 10 am my mom came over. At that point the contractions were around 10 minutes apart and I was sitting on the exercise ball and breathing through every contractions. We packed my bag for the hospital and hung out for awhile. I was feeling a lot of stinging in my cervix so when we tried to go for a walk I wasn't even able to make it down the driveway. We walked around the yard instead.

At noon I was getting bored because the contractions were not getting much stronger or getting any closer together. I got out the clary sage essential oil and sniffed it awhile and sat on the exercise ball. At around 1 pm we called Stephanie to see what else I could do to pick things up. Stephanie actually called me at the exact same time I called her, so that was a weird coincidence. I told her we were getting bored and she laughed and gave me some things to try. Over the afternoon I tried the following things to pick up the labor: walking on the treadmill and down the street, blue cohosh drinks every ½ hour, breast pump, clary sage oil, squats. I also tried to take a nap since the labor was getting quite long. Mom and I spent the day cooking, talking, trying to time contractions and trying to pick up labor.

By the time Patrick came home my contractions were stronger but not getting much closer together. Mom kept reminding me that the stronger the contractions got, the better they were working. She kept me focused with positive reinforcements like those all day. At 6 pm I talked to Stephanie again and reported that contractions were a bit stronger but not much closer together. I told her that I was trying the breast pump and that it was producing strong contractions. She suggested that keep trying to pick up labor for a couple hours but if nothing was happening then to go take a bath and try to get some sleep. If I couldn't sleep I was to call her and discuss what to do from there.

I was in the bath for almost two hours and got a little rest. My contractions really spaced out so that I was able to sleep in the tub, but I still had to hop out of the tub for each contraction and go to the toilet. After the bath I tried to sleep in bed for a little while but it wasn't working at all. So I called Stephanie again and we decided to go into the hospital. I got my things together and Patrick, mom and I headed to the hospital at a little before midnight. I had been in labor almost 24 hours and was beginning to feel like I had not made much progress because the contractions had not gotten closer together.

As soon as we got in the car I had a contraction, and even then on the ride to the hospital Patrick and I were marveling at how calm the ride was. He told me he expected this ride to be full of panic and screaming. I had two contractions in the car, one while I was checking in and one on the way to the maternity area of the hospital. I was thinking that they were starting to pick up since that whole process only took about 20 minutes.

When we got into our hospital room the nurse hooked me up to the electronic fetal monitor to check the progress on the contractions and the baby. Baby's heart rate was a bit difficult to keep track of but they eventually got it and everything looked good. When Stephanie got there she checked my dilation and I was surprised to find out that I was dilated to 6 cm. Stephanie said that she'd probably want to talk about breaking my water but since my contractions were picking up on the way to the hospital I requested some time to see if they would get closer on their own.

To try and keep the labor going I got changed back into my own clothes and walked up and down the halls and the stairs in the hospital. Every time I had a contraction I would lean on a chair or railing and sway back and forth to try and relax. When I was in the labor room I sometimes sat on the exercise ball or leaned over the bed during contractions. I never wanted to lie down or sit on a chair during contractions as it made the pain much worse. I reported back to my labor room every half hour to have the baby's heart rate checked. Since she was so low sometimes I had to get into bed while they checked and it was extremely uncomfortable when I had a contraction during the check.

Since the contractions weren't working as effectively anymore, Stephanie encouraged me to let her break my water. I hesitated on this because in my birth plan I had requested to not have my water broken, I was nervous that it would put more stress on the baby and I was afraid that I would not be able to handle the more intense contractions that it would bring. So after deliberating awhile and talking it over with Stephanie I did have my water broken. Right after that I got into the bath to see if that would help me tolerate the pain of contractions.

I tried to relax in the tub, but the contractions did become more intense so it was very difficult. After awhile I requested some pain medication to help me regain the ability to relax. Stephanie gave me Nubain and that really helped with the pain and actually allowed me to rest a bit. Ok, I was snoring in the tub. That rest didn't do much in the way of helping labor other than it gave me a second wind to be motivated to continue labor.

After awhile I got out of the tub and I think I tried to rest in the bed. However the contractions were so painful while I was in bed that I had to get up. Stephanie and Patrick and I walked the halls again and by this time it was early morning so there were other people in the halls now. I sensed that they were there but didn't notice much of anything, all of my energy was on trying to keep my muscles relaxed through the contractions. For a couple of contractions I leaned on Patrick with my arms around his neck I was so surprised at how comforting it felt. I remember wishing I had tried that before since it was so nice.

I was dilated to 8 cm at this point and seemed to be stuck there. I was getting really, really tired and fell fast asleep between contractions. I kept dreaming and then trying to talk to people in the room while I was asleep about what was in my dream. Stephanie told me to try and visualize my cervix opening but all I could visualize was a roll of carpet. I remember that it was very difficult for me to concentrate on the proper visualizations.

Since my cervix wasn't dilating anymore Stephanie ordered Pitocin and an IV. These were two interventions that I was really hoping to avoid since my movement would be limited and I heard that the contractions on Pitocin are horrible. I don't remember the conversation where it was decided this was what we would do, but I think it went something like Stephanie saying, “I think we should get some Pitocin to get the dilation finished.” And me saying “No, thank you.” And Stephanie saying, “If you don't it could take you another five hours of labor.” And me saying, “Ok.”

So I'm sitting there dilated to 8 cm and they had me sit on the edge of the bed while they were going to put the IV in. I kept having to get up when I had a contraction because I just couldn't handle sitting on the bed through one. The first nurse who tried to insert the IV was having a hard time finding a vein and stabbed me twice and then ran for backup. I really wanted to tell her that if she couldn't handle it to send someone who could, but I don't think I actually said anything. Anyway, then another nurse came in and told me she was really good at putting IVs in and she wasn't going to stab somewhere unless she was sure it would work. That wasn't really comforting to me but I tried to be polite (I think). So finally the IV was in and I remember I had a contraction as soon as the IV was hooked up and I panicked a bit because I thought it was the Pitocin already working at a super high dose.

So they put me on a chair to try and relax and wrapped me in some really hot blankets. The blankets were so nice but sitting through contractions was very difficult. However, standing through them was also becoming difficult since I was so tired. This is when I had my breakdown. I started crying because I didn't think I could do it and I thought there was a problem since it was taking so long. My mom sat through this with me and tried to reassure me until I told her no more talking. I think I just needed to vent and not be reassured for awhile. My contractions didn't seem to let go in between anymore so I felt like there was no break from the pain. Stephanie explained that this was a good thing because it was pressure from the baby moving down so I needed to accept it. I was getting frustrated with how long it was taking and the fact that the contractions weren't letting up in between like they had in the past.

The next thing I remember was that I had to go to the bathroom but I couldn't move because the contractions were so intense and weren't letting go. So I went into the bathroom and tried to sit on the toilet but it hurt so much that I couldn't actually go. However, Stephanie came in there with me and talked me through relaxing my muscles and getting control of my contractions. This is the point at which I was most thankful for and amazed by my midwife. I don't know how she did it but she kept me from becoming a puddle on the floor and her confidence that things were under control and that I could still manage somehow gave me hope.

Even so, I was running out of energy and I told her that I didn't think I could do it anymore and I wanted an epidural. She suggested we check my cervix again and then talk about it. So she had me lay down on the bed, which was torturous in itself because of the contractions, but she told me that I was fully dilated but there was a bit of the cervix blocking the baby's head. She said that if I laid on the bed for two more contractions she could move the cervix and I could push the baby out and be done with labor. And in my completely irrational state I remember that I argued with her and told her that no way could I lay there for two more contractions. Again she and my mom reasoned with me when I thought reason had completely escaped me and she was able to do what needed to be done and I was ready to push.

As I didn't immediately feel the urge to push I just wanted to stand through the contractions again. So I stood up and when the urge to push came I just bent my legs a bit and pushed. Stephanie suggested I lean against Mom to have some support so I could dedicate more energy to pushing. I can't imagine how awkward it must have been for Stephanie to try and see what was going on while I was pushing from a standing position but she was very accommodating. After a few contractions that way my legs were getting shaky so they brought the birthing stool which was just a little wooden stool that kind of looked like a toilet seat. It actually really helped to sit on it because then all of my energy could go into pushing. I think my pushes also became much more effective when I was sitting because it wasn't long before I could hear that they could see the head. I remember mom telling me that she had dark hair and I remember touching the head and expecting to feel hair and feeling only a wet, slimy warm lump. That was kind of gross but it encouraged me to keep pushing.

Even though all of my energy was focused on pushing and I was just trying not to think about the pain there are a couple of things I remember about this stage. One was that Patrick was sitting over on the side of the room away from everyone looking pretty nervous until my mom went over there and made him come over to my side of the bed to watch. After that I couldn't look at him because I thought he might make me nervous. The other is that it seemed like I had a long time to wait in between contractions all of a sudden. A few minutes before that I was crying that I couldn't go to the bathroom because the contractions wouldn't let up and then it seemed like I had to wait five minutes between times when I could push. The other thing was that the nurse was monitoring the baby's heart beat all the way down until she was almost completely out which was really weird and distracting.

Otherwise the pushing stage was really a lot more fun than the extremely protracted labor stage. No one was yelling at me or counting though my contractions. Stephanie directed me where to push and gave me suggestions on how to help and warned me when she wanted me to slow down the pushing. I remember being amazed at how pushing was more of an instinct than anything I felt that I could control. I was amazed that my body took over and that my baby was actually coming out. After her head came out Stephanie told me to hold off and then to just do some little pushes and the next thing I knew my baby came flying out. There was instant relief and I immediately felt no more pain. Stephanie handed her to me and she was crying immediately. I was holding her and she was wiggling and crying and I was in total shock that she was here and I couldn't believe how good I felt to not be in pain anymore. Then she told me to put the baby back down because her cord was really short.

I had wanted to wait awhile before cutting the cord but it ripped so we had to cut it right away. Stephanie offered to see if Patrick or my mom wanted to cut it but they declined so she cut it. After a bit they let Patrick hold her and my mom. Stephanie told me to get on the bed quickly which made me nervous because there was a lot of blood and I thought maybe there was a bleeding issue. Everything was fine though and a little later the placenta slipped out. Patrick finally told everyone that her name is Peyton Mackenzie.

I got some stitches and then sat up and got to hold Peyton again. I couldn't believe how perfect she looked. She had huge eyes and lots of dark hair and she was so tiny and calm. She had two ridges on her head but didn't have a gigantic cone head and her face wasn't smushed or dented. She looked just beautiful and even though I think all babies are cute I was surprised. After awhile we weighed her and she was 7 lbs, 0 ozs and 20 ¾ inches long. She had long skinny feet and long fingers and the biggest eyes and a small perfect mouth. I tried breastfeeding her a couple of times but she wasn't interested. She just wanted to look around and enjoy being outside of my body. She was a bit cold so they gave her to me with just a diaper on and had her snuggle inside my gown to warm up. She was so soft and I just enjoyed snuggling so much. Patrick went home to sleep and I had a bath and after awhile my mom gave Peyton her first bath (which she screamed through). Then we were left alone to get some rest.

I had a beautiful labor and delivery with Peyton Mackenzie. My labor was very long and I had more interventions than I thought I would, but the team of people that I assembled to help me was perfect. I spent the entire early part of labor alone with my mom and we had a great time together just waiting and getting through the day. She was so wonderful offering support and encouragement through all of those hours right through delivery. She never once wavered or flinched and had total confidence in me. I gained so much by having her strength and presence with me. I am so thankful that she could be there with me and the experience would not have been nearly as beautiful or peaceful without her there.

Patrick was much more of a trooper than he promised to be. I am so thankful he got to see the birth. Even though he wasn't very into the pregnancy and baby stuff before, I swear he was transformed the second Peyton entered the world and started breathing air. He stayed with me and I'll always remember those contractions in the hall where I leaned on him and he smelled so much like home when I felt so far from it. I love him even more for his amazement at the birth of his daughter.

And my midwife Stephanie was a highlight of my pregnancy. She really understood what I wanted from my birth and did everything possible to help me achieve my goals. She was the perfect combination of understanding and bossy, telling me what I wanted to hear and what I needed to hear, encouraging me, empathizing with me, and giving me strength and confidence when I thought mine was gone. She was patient beyond what should be humanly possible and I am amazed at her ability to talk me through pain and keep me going when I was ready to give up. I know that without her there Peyton's birth would have never have been so calm and beautiful.

This story is long but so was my pregnancy and labor. I typed this entire story with Peyton sleeping on my chest and I didn't cry until the end and she didn't cry at all. I love my baby so much and I wanted to make sure this story is documented so I don't forget when I tell her how I brought her into the world.